October 7, 2014

Four Little Letters - One BIG Word

Four little letters, one BIG word.

Have you ever lived in fear? I have lived in fear my entire life.

Fear of being judged.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of being embarrassed.
Fear of being last.
Fear of being first.
Fear of being laughed at.
Fear of being the one to hurt someone else.
Fear of being loved.
Fear of being liked.
Fear of being a failure.
Fear of being disliked.
Fear of being misunderstood.
Fear of being yelled at.
Fear of being humiliated.
Fear of being hit.
Fear of being wrong. And even,
Fear of being right.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of being MYSELF.

I'm sure I've left 'fears' off this list. But you get the idea. And I'm guessing many of you have felt at least one of these fears in your life. I have felt all of them. Lived all of them.

Fear takes over. It can be crippling. If you allow it. And I've allowed it. I know this. Sometimes I can't stop it. Not all of it. There are some fears on that list I have overcome. Some I have not.

I won't delve into all of them. Most are self explanatory. But you may look at that list and wonder - why do you fear being loved? Liked? Right? First? Yourself? I mean these are all positive things, correct?

Yes, they are. But please understand. When you have lived without such things, when you are placed in a situation that brings these feelings up, it is uncomfortable. Uncharted territory. I didn't know how to be loved. To allow myself to be loved. That opens me up to so many of the fears on that list. And I have never felt like I deserved it. So I pushed it away. Fearing I am doing something wrong by allowing it. So I stayed in my comfort zone.

Regardless of what others may say to me, my brain and my heart reject it.

You may say you love me.
You may say I'm amazing.
You may say I'm sweet.
You may say you adore me.
You may say I'm beautiful.
You may say I'm sexy.

I love hearing it. But my brain rejects it. Doesn't believe it. I will thank you and I will mean that thank you with all I am. But my heart doesn't believe I am those things. You may believe it... but years of being told and reminded that none of those things are true is easier to believe.

So I stayed still. Stayed in the comfortable distance. I didn't get hurt (or didn't I?). And no one else did either (or didn't they?).

BUT - I am not continuing like this. I'm finding self worth. Finding...MYSELF. And I hate to be the first to say it - but I think I like me. And so I wonder...could someone else too? The real me. All of me.

That is one scary place to be. But I'm getting stronger. And certain people have helped me overcome some of these fears without even realizing they've done it. Just by simply being who they are. Loving me unconditionally. Leading me out of the circle of fear. Holding my hand and whispering, "you can do this".

Thank you. It means more to me than any of you will ever know and I have stepped further out of the circle than I ever thought possible. And now, finding true love after all these years...I have a new fear.

Fear of not moving forward.

Now that I have come out of the old comfort zone(s) I don't want to go back. I like where I am, who I  am and who I am with. I like the friends I've surrounded myself with. I like love the man I have given my heart and soul to.

Change starts with taking one small step in a different direction. I know it's hard and it's scary. But you won't know what you could be missing if you don't take it. Not just in love, but in everything you are and everything you do.


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  1. So true. A word that terrifies each and every one of us! And even determines our daily decisions. So crazy to think how different our lives would be if we didn't allow fear to get in the way.

    - MeYouAndHayleyLarue.com

    1. You are correct, Hayley! Fear can be crippling and cause us to make decisions we wouldn't usually make if we just didn't allow it to have a voice.


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