December 7, 2014

The Inevitable

May 15, 2005 my life was altered. My husband (at the time) and I were not getting along. We hadn't been for quite some time. Though he probably would've disagreed at the time, our marriage was not a happy one. It was unfulfilled...for both of us. I can only hope he sees that now.

May 15th was a Sunday that year. I was getting ready for church when my husband became quite angry with me. He had been going through my purse and found some of the journals I had done. My counselor had told me to journal. I did. I thought those writings were private. MY feelings. MY thoughts. MY words. For ME to try to work through some things in an effort to make us stronger.

Sometimes, as I write, I write in the present tense. Even about things from the past. I focus on a moment and go back to that place to bring those feelings to the surface. Relive them. So I can learn from them. My journal was written in just that way. Present tense. He was angry because he thought these feelings should be in the past. But they were affecting our present...and our future...regardless of what tense they were written in. And they needed to be dealt with. I wasn't given the opportunity to do that in the way I needed to. I couldn't do anything right.

He was angrier than I had ever see him. I was more afraid than I had ever been. I just wanted him to calm down...

I was so afraid of him at this point that he was served with divorce papers the next morning. It was the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. It was also the most liberating thing I'd ever done.

If I were to describe how I felt in that marriage in one word it would be...


I'm not saying it was all him. It takes two people to make a marriage. It takes two people to fail a marriage. At least in our case it did.

So there I was, 34 years old, terrified, with two young children and no idea how to be a single mother. My parents were great and supported me through the entire ordeal. As did a few close friends.

It was interesting though, how people took sides. How some people I would've thought would be there for me no matter what, simply weren't. It was like I was suddenly an outcast. I found out who my real friends were. There weren't many left. Did they think this was the marriage I wanted? Unhappy, suffocating, depressed, and ending in divorce? Did they think it was better to remain silent, not offer even an I'm sorry you're going through this? Pull away as if I had done some injustice to them?

This wasn't my plan when I got married. I should never have married. That was my choice. My fears making choices for me. My mistake. But going through all I did has shaped me into the person I am today. And the today me is great. The me back then was not. I was going through the motions. Becoming numb to my situation and the world around me because it was easier. Less painful.

I've heard going through a divorce is similar to losing your spouse to death. You go through stages of grieving. This is quite true. The stages can last years. Beginning when still married while the marriage is falling apart. It's called denial (some never leave this stage and live unhappily their entire lives). Then there's anger. Then there's sadness. Then there's shame. Then there's healing. And sometimes you take one step forward only to fall two steps back. My healing phase has really been over these last three years. It took six years to finally reach this stage. And the last three to finally feel like a whole person. Which has brought me to this new journey in life...falling in love as the real me. The me I want to be.

It was work. I had to make choices for myself that others didn't understand. That others questioned. I had to be strong and know in my heart they were the right choices for me...and my that particular time. I had to grow a thick skin and remind myself weekly, sometimes daily, that this is what I needed to be the best me and mom I could be. I had to decide it didn't matter what others thought, as long as I knew the truth.

I will delve further into those choices in other posts, but for now, I want to leave you with a few thoughts...

First, if you are going through a similar experience, please know you are NOT ALONE even if it feels that way. You need to take care of yourself so you can be productive, not just for you but if you have children or others you are caring for, for them as well. Be selfish. I know that sounds odd to say, but make the choices that will make you a stronger person and don't let what others think or may say sway you. Trust your gut. It doesn't lie to you.

Second, if you know someone going through a similar experience, be there for them. You don't have to solve all their problems for them. They don't want or need that from you. Sometimes, what they really need is someone to NOT talk about their problems with. They need to just be in the moment and connect with a friend. Go to lunch, grab coffee together, give them a hug. Let them know you are there for them. If they want to talk, just listen. They usually aren't looking for answers (though sometimes they may be looking for advice depending on the moment) but just need to talk it out. I know many times I could come up with a solution just by talking to someone and all they did was listen. I just needed to get out of my own head and talk it out. Simply be their friend.

Lastly, I said it before, this is a life altering event. Everyone has to adjust. The person going through the divorce as well as the friends/family involved. Give things time and have patience with each other. Good things come to those that wait. Trust me.

Thank you for stopping by! Please come again!

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  1. Thank You so much for sharing your heart and soul!!! I Love You!! Merry Christmas and a Happy-Fabulous New Year!!! <3


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